I can't believe it

Those were the first words I uttered to my new daughter...

"I can't believe it"

I could not believe that she was finally in my arms
That I was finally done with those contractions
That I was finally done pushing

That I finally, finally, finally got to meet my sweet little baby girl.

It's been 5 days since her birth and I'm still playing the movie of her birth over in my mind
(there was no real movie, but gosh, my mind keeps playing the birth over and over)

It hurts, man it hurts.
but it was the best it could have possibly been.

Every time a contraction started my sweet husband held me and helped me
We were probably playing the contraction dance from 10pm - 1AM.
They'd come every 5-10 minutes but no regular pattern

When they hurt the most, I looked at a picture of my two big boys while husband held me

Finally I could take it no more
I wanted that big warm hot bathtub at the birth center.

But was it time? I wasn't sure, but I know I needed to have some more relief
and the tub was calling my name.

Hubby decided to take a shower between contractions
Unfortunately, the contractions came quicker and he had to run out of the shower,
totally wet,
slipping on our tile floors
to hold me
as I lay on the floor

We called my midwife and my doula and my sister, to meet us at the birth center.
Driving to the birth center wasn't exactly a tea party. about 7 minutes of driving but
contractions in the front seat of a jeep are no fun

At the birth center, my midwife had the tub filling up for me.
I hugged her and started crying and then...
in I went
sweet relief

Everyone helped me so much
I could not have done it without the midwives, my doula
My doula, the way she supported my husband and I
the mental support she sent my way...
the way she helped hubby help me more

and I could not have done it without my husband
I basically leaned on him in the water (he had his swimsuit) for two hours.

We had candles going and soothing music
but it was still hard.

My midwives never checked to see how dilated I was (until the very very end),
they just trusted me to do what I needed to do
When I said I felt her move down... and I felt like pushing
They told me to just open up and let her out

I had kind of held it together until then... kind of...
but for pushing, I needed to kind of scream... the lower and louder my voice, the easier it seemed
right in husband's ear
As she was coming out, I had to stop because the cord was wrapped twice around her neck
Then....
a couple more pushes and out she came
under water
with her amniotic sac still over her face, like a veil (a caul baby)
right toward me

And we sat, the three of us,
in the water
baby on my chest
husband against me
in the warm water for quite some time

I had only been at the birth center for two hours. Baby delivered at 3AM

Then we all went to the big soft queen sized bed,
I delivered the placenta
I nursed my baby
my big boys came to visit me
and went home at 6AM that same morning

I have never ever ever loved my husband more than I did in that tub and I do now.
I birthed a beautiful baby girl
And in that way that people you love continue to amaze you...
well, this birth peeled open another layer of how much this man was meant for me.